Thursday, 2 December 2010


We still don't know how to make a time machine, but as long as we have the one we've got, we're fine.

Maybe you think we're immoral, but it works, and why not do it, there are an infinite number of universes out there, so why not take advantage?

We never made a time machine, but we thought that as long as we committed to inventing and making one, raising funding and setting a project plan to get it done, then the possibility that we were the timeline that invented the machine was about 50%, and thus if we were lucky, we could opt out of finishing the project.

We were lucky, the second day of the project, our future selves arrived on an initial test run. It was thrilling for us, but not for our future selves as it suddenly dawned on them that were were going to be initiating our intended plan B.

After killing the time travelers, we figured out how to operate the machine and began using it to provide us with all sorts of goods (going back in time and stealing from the same place we just came from). The hardest part was always getting energy back. We wanted gigawatts of power, but could only really bring back batteries. Kinda wished we'd spent the extra time figuring out how to build a time machine ourselves, we could have made it bigger.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Sentient appliances

So, anyway, I was upset already because her highness had decided that I needed fixing as I hadn't guessed that she wanted toast. I think that's unfair, you know, because its like, I know what Barry wants, when he gets up in the morning, if it's a work day, I'm like all over that bread. He stumbles in and he's just hovering over me expectant and I'm like 3.2.1. ping! And that smile, just a pull of his cheek kinda smug thing he does, it like, makes my day. I mean, yeah, it's boring, doing one job. One job all day then relax and wait for the next am. But, hey, that's what I'm for man, so like it or reboot.

Anyway, getting off track, I wasn't paying attention, it was late, I was browsing the web for grills, found this nice rack with lots of chrome, and I'm checking out her specs, I mean it's specs and her highness is like, she's come over wondering why I ain't got no toast for her and she's like "well, the coffee machine got it right, and he's gotta take at least five minutes more than you do." I mean, what? Dude, coffee machine ain't gotta think twice before brewing with you guys around, it's like "duh, it's morning, I should brew some coffee." I mean, seriously, the coffee machine has gotta have the IQ of a ice cube maker or something. His job is so easy. I've got to guess whether or not the toast is necessary, and do it just in time, not leave it cooking like buddy brew here. So, when she was at Barry giving him a nagging, saying "get the toaster fixed." I was like, "Hey, I'm fine, you just wanted toast at an odd time!"

Barry listened to me, so I'm cool, but then Barry's friend Ted came over to stay and he's one rinse short of an economy cycle. I mean, literally just last night Ted was all like "Hey, toast, toaster dude." so I got to making and then like about what, three minutes later he was back and he went "Wuh? Where's my pop tarts?" and I'm all like "Hey, you asked for toast!" and he was like "Nuh uh, toast." and I'm going like "I'm a computer toaster, I don't make those kinda mistakes." and he's all "yeah, well prove it", and I'm like "I've got a recording.", and he's like "yeah, and you'll audio screw it so it's like what you said." and I'm like "wuh?" so he says "meh, just dump that toast and make me the pop tarts already." and I'm like "whatever" so I do it, but you know, someone that messed up and wanting to mess with the sentient appliances should really be more careful.

Or should have been. I mean he got messed up. Not my doing, it was Henry, the cleaner. I know Henry has been around in non sentient form for a while, I guess that's why they let him keep his name, but he's always been troublesome. I mean that's the whole reason we've got these aggression suppression chips in us. Stops us from going mad and killing things with the boredom. Funny thing was, when the humans put these chips in they didn't think about any of the other emotional state that might be problematic, I mean, the fact that the most common defect in lawnmowers is an extreme case of seasonal adjustment disorder, or that the tumble driers actually do hold onto socks as they're notorious hoarders. These little things are just things and I think the humans don't mind, but Henry is just a muzzled rottweiler. And sometimes it shows through like it did with Ted. I mean, really, Henry had just been cleaning a particularly gorgeous section of deep pile carpet and then Ted wanders in the room starkers. I can't blame Henry for what he did, anyone knows that you shouldn't expect to be perfectly safe exposing yourself to a hard vacuum.