Monday, 27 April 2009

Pros and Cons

Noticed an e-mail the other day on my boss's screen. Looked like an automated system, a notification message. I waited until he wasn't looking to get a better look at it and read it.

"Notification of negative worth: employee number 443"

This ominous subject line made me think, what could the criteria be that there could be an automatic system for figuring out if someone was net negative? My boss was coming back so I didn't get to read the rest of the mail, so didn't find out until a lot later, after getting someone in IT to intercept and send me a copy of the e-mail. The rest of the e-mail was quite worrying.

"employee number 443, negative worth warning, summary as follows:
expected revenue from work done : £45,000
actual work day used for work : 50% (£22,500)
monetary reimbursement for work done : £22,000
per employee overheads : £2,300
total worth to company as employee : -£1,800

recommendation : move to testing dept'."

what was the testing dept? How much of the day did I spend working?

Head South

I been round for many years, pushin' my way through life, makin' jus' nuff to see me through. Got along real good 'til I met Toby. Now I ain't blamin' him, it weren' his fault to be certain, but the fact of the matter is, If I'd never met 'im, then I'd not be in the sorry state I's found myself right now.
Toby had a good idea, "go south, help 'em in the mines" he said, but we never got that far. We managed to haul up at this here carrying place. All they did was carrying, moving things from one place to another. So's we got ourselves a carrying job to pay for our place before movin' on to the south for the mines, and the riches that called to us.
The pay at the carrying place is poor by a poor man's reckoning, but we's having fun while we're doin' it. It's not hard work, and most of the time we get to spin great tales of our plans for once we reach the mines and make our fortune.
But today, all the fun stopped being there as I saw Toby's face fall away from me, I couldn't hold onto him and the door of the ship. See the space ship I was flying, I had begun taking off without Toby, cos he was running late again, so he ran at the door and got me to grab him. This weren't no family sedan spaceship neither, this was a workhorse, so it didn't take kindly to somone jumping on it's side. It jumped a bit and I loosed out my seat, fell almost all the way out my door. Now, what's real awkward here is, I musta kicked the 'tude control, cos it started up like a cat with a cracker up it's crapper, heading up straight up, right into the traffic lanes.
Now with shit like this going on, the first thing I can think about is getting back in the saddle, so I'm all like, "see ya", and I drop Toby, give him a wave and jump into my seat. After I get back in there, I haul ass downward to see if i can catch the stupid bed stain before he turns our landing pad all breakfast tomato.
You hear all about magical death escapes on these things all the time, kids catching their sisters and stuff from hun'red story buildings, but when I caught Toby, he didn't seem too happy, found out later that I needed to be going down with him a might more similar a speed. Some of his organs needed replacing. Anyhow, the problem I'm in. See, all our escapades were bad for Toby, but health welfare and shit covered him, but I don't have "jackass" insurance, so when I delivered the load to the depot, they didn't like how I'd been flying. They calculated for me that I'll be paying off them damaged goods for quite a few years yet. Hm, yeah.
So, here I am, watching Toby recover himself and I'm thinking that I could sell his organs to make up my debt. I think he owes me.